We have recently passed 10 years since Josh was called to preach. We got married in August of 2012 and 6 months later he was called to preach. He knew a whole week before he built up the courage to even tell me. I always joke and say, “I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into when we got married”. The Lord knew I would be scared to death, so I think that’s why he waited until six months after we got married. God does have a sense of humor, you know.
He took me into our office/study room, and we sit down in the middle of the floor, and he said, “I have to tell you something… I’ve been called to preach.”
I immediately burst into tears and buried my face into the floor. I had no idea what this would mean for us and our lives. For some reason I just pictured leaving our current church and me never having Josh around. I was instantly filled with fears of the unknown, but in my heart, I knew this was coming. Josh had been teaching and leading services for quite a while and everyone around him could just tell by the way the Lord was already using me.
Josh had grown up in ministry life, as a PK (Preachers Kid) for as long as he could remember. His dad is a pastor, and his mother is a pastor’s wife. And for that reason, he knew A LOT more about what to expect than I did.
But, after 10 years in the ministry serving alongside my husband and now with our two children, I have learned so much. We have spent time as him being an evangelist traveling and preaching at many different churches and revivals all across the state, to being an associate pastor with his dad as the pastor at our previous church, and to now being the associate pastor at our current church.
[I want to preface this by saying I DON’T KNOW EVERYTHING, and I DO NOT CLAIM TO KNOW EVERYTHING. Every day I find something new that the Lord shows me and teaches me in this ministry life, but in honor of 10 years passing I wanted to share at least 5 things I have learned so far.]
5 things I’ve learned as a pastor’s wife so far…
1.
Throughout the past 10 years, I have had to learn how to share my husband. This was my biggest struggle early on as a newlywed and as a new pastor’s wife. My love language is quality time and if you know anything about the ministry then you’ll know that there is just never enough time. From visiting, to studying, to door knocking, to praying, to meetings, to church services at least 3 times a week if not more, to lengthy phone calls, to preparation, to working a full-time job outside of pastoring, there’s just not much “time” left.
As embarrassing it is to say, early on, I used to resent and be bitter anytime I heard the words, “I’m going to go study.” It was like a shot to the heart every single time.
(Me internally cringing thinking about the way I used to react whenever I used to hear those words). Considering I was a newlywed and only 20 years old at the time with not a lot of church experience, the last thing I wanted to do was be away from my husband or share him.
“Not only we’re we trying to balance being newly married, but we were also moving in together and joining our 2 lives, to me starting nursing school immediately after returning from our honeymoon, and him working a full-time job…Why not add in being a preacher and a preacher’s wife with a calling from the Lord, right?”
Thankfully as the years have gone by and the more I have grown spiritually, I have learned how to share my husband. Not just to the Lord, but to the church, and others. I’m so thankful and proud of my husband for how serious he takes his calling.
2.
I’ve learned what NOT to say in the car on the way to church when I know he has to preach. There’s a time and place for everything and right before he preaches, is usually not the time for a lot of things. Any preacher’s wife would tell you the same thing.
(learned from experience)
The devil himself does enough to cause chaos and distraction on our way to church when he’s preaching. It never fails when he has to preach that there is something that happens along the way, whether it’s losing our car keys, can’t find a shoe, the kids are throwing a fit, traffic, or whatever it may be. Mark it down, it will happen!
Early on we had a difficult time adjusting to this with easily getting frustrated, but after 10 years in the ministry we’ve learned that it is a part of the devil’s tactics in order to prevent what is about to happen at church. We get less flustered and frustrated than we used to, and usually end up laughing knowing that “greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world.” 1 John 4:4 KJV
For that, I have learned to not to be the cause of any added and extra distractions or stress that would cause his mind to focus on anything else or hinder the spirit in any way. Many times, this means waiting until after church to have certain conversations and doing my best to make sure the kids are on their best behavior. If you have kids, I know that you are probably laughing right now, because I did as I typed this.
To know what not to say sounds like it should be something that came easily and early on in the ministry, but as I look back, I can see how much I’ve grown and matured specifically in this area. I can see just how important it is, not just to him as he’s preparing his heart and mind to go preach the gospel, but also for the congregation and the church service itself.
3.
I’ve also learned that next to the Lord, my opinion is valued most to my husband. This was something that I didn’t learn early on in the ministry. I knew my opinion and what I thought mattered to my husband, but I didn’t realize just how much.
He’s often told many things after a message from many different people, but he always asks what I thought immediately after we get into the car. I often times would be frustrated with the question all the time, like “so many people just complimented you and the message, why do you need tot ask me?”
But then I realized, just how much he values my opinion and thoughts. Not that nobody else’s doesn’t matter, but that mine are very high up on the list, next to the Lord.
I’ve also learned to not just say, “It was good”. I’ve learned to give a little more detail, something specific that I really liked or that grabbed my attention. Although that takes a little bit more time and effort, I know that is much more meaningful and helpful to him, rather than the quick “Yeah, it was good” answer.
I have learned just how much the devil loves to attack immediately following a message. The doubt, the questions, the overanalyzing of every word that was said, should have done this or that, constantly flooding his mind. I don’t know exactly what that feels like for him, but I can SEE what he has to go through. So that extra bit of encouragement in any way from me, is such a big help to him, even if he doesn’t admit to it.
4.
I have learned that our first ministry is not the church, but our family and home. This one also took some time for us both. We can easily get so caught up and focused on the ministry of the church that we, not purposefully, but neglect our family and home.
The devil would love nothing more than to get into your home and in your family to break it up. He absolutely hates a family who serves the Lord together. He can use the extreme focus on the ministry of the church to destroy a family.
We have learned that our #1 ministry is that of our family and our home. If do all these wonderful things in the ministry of the Lord but fail to minister in our own homes, we have failed.
However, when the Lord, family, the home, and the church is all in proper aligned order then we are in the will of God which allows all of it to work perfectly together.
5.
After 10 years in the ministry, I have learned just how much goes into being in the ministry, that nobody else truly even realizes. There is so much “behind the scenes” that goes on and goes into ministry that others don’t even put a thought too. I wrote a post concerning this exact “Behind the scenes: What I see as a pastor’s wife when it comes to the sermon”. You can read that in the link below, which only covers when it comes to the sermon, so that doesn’t include the long list of things that come along with life in ministry.
In using the iceberg as an illustration, you can see that if you see an iceberg from above the water, you are only seeing the “tip of the iceberg” or just a small percentage of what really makes up that entire iceberg.
The same goes when describing what others see from the outside looking in. You’re only seeing that small portion of what truly goes on. Maybe you just see a 30-minute sermon and you only come once a week, so what you don’t see are the countless hours preparing in studying and prayer just to be able to be ready to preach that 30-minute sermon. Again, this doesn’t include all the other duties.
“It’s easy to be critical of your pastor or your preacher, until you put yourselves in their shoes for just a moment. It will humble you very quickly.”
courtney scarberry
During the last 10 years in the ministry, I have learned so much being a preacher/pastor’s wife. I continue to learn every single day and I’m so thankful for that. I have some of the best examples of pastors’ wives in my life and I pray and strive to be the very best I can be. To be exactly what God has called ME to be and do.
This is only a small portion and glimpse of some of the things I’ve learned throughout the years so this may turn into its own series.
If you have any questions about anything specific when it comes to ministry life, life as a pastor’s wife, please let me know in the comments below on what you’d like to know or see ongoing from my blog.
Due to my health, I have not felt well enough to dedicate time and energy to this page, but I want to be able to do more and I pray you’ll join me in this journey.
Remember to pray for your pastor, his family, and their ministry as often as you can!
We greatly desire and need it.
Life in Ministry and Motherhood 